Failure makes me work even harder.

RACE:  I started out perfectly...around a 1:04/05...I was in about 4th place, but when it hit the 2nd lap, as people started to pass me I freaked out.  I started to breath funny and my arms were num so I freaked out more.  I pulled it together to hold my position on the 3rd lap, and on the 4th lap I out-kicked a couple of people on the last 200m.  I really didn't run as fast as I could and I really could have easily won the heat if I hadn't freaked out...I was in the perfect position.  Next time I am going to amp it up every lap and when someone tries to pass me, I am going to respond!!  Region is all I have left to qualify and I intend to do so!

PM- ??? I don't know it was based off of how fast you went...The first two we ran was sprinting as hard as we could until coach whistled.  I did pretty well on this, but for some reason I didn't sprint but just went as fast as I could go without sprinting.  Then, I think we did the chasing one where we chase the person in front of us and if you are caught you stop.  I didn't do so well on this...I used my breathing, or lack of, as an excuse and didn't push myself to my max and I was caught by devo.  Then, we ran 2x200m which I did really well on.  I have noticed that I haven't really hit my maximum pain in races and I don't really know my limit, when it comes to running.  I want to find that limit at this next race, because if I don't get out of my comfort zone, I might not go to state.  I just settle in this zone that is slightly uncomfortable and aches a little, but I want to be in so much pain that I am begging for it to end by the last lap.  I am always scared to hit this because I don't want to die off, but I think in order to take it to the next level that is exactly what I am going to have to find...my maximum pain level.  I need more confidence in races, also, because when it comes to gut check time or when its time to amp it up I start questioning myself...Not anymore!  I am just going to do it without questioning it!!

Race!- well I started out more middle pack for the first lap and the second lap I was going to push it up more than I did so I got stuck in the middle still and the third lap I did decent and the last lap I just finished it, but at the end they were yelling because some kid was going to catch me and I started to kick and found out I had a lot more left in me, because it didn't really take that much to go faster at the end and I was well within myself.  Lesson learned- I really need to almost (this sounds stupid but is true) TRY!  I almost just settle in this state that is kinda "yeah I'm going fast, but not really giving my all." kind of thing.  Someone should just smack me while I am racing (if you call it that) and say "hey try hard you idiot!" because every race I seem to run WAY too within myself and don't reach my max. pain level.  When it comes time to amp. it up I think, "Nah, I like this pace I think I'll stay here." not literally thinking that of course, but thats what I am basically doing!  I am going to, tomorrow, just hammer myself in the ground because, to be honest, I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT!  Always when we are cooling down I think "I have way too much energy for a cool down I should be like shuffling across the ground, because I have no energy left."  It seems to me that I am scared of reaching my limit, scared of being the best me! Isn't that stupid!!!!  No more fear of myself and pain, because pain is only in the mind and I control that so tomorrow I am going to do what I have been waiting for all season...yeah I was saying I was going to do that today, but I didn't say I was going to hammer myself into the ground just go faster...what I didn't realize is those correlate...TOMORROW IS D-DAY BABY!!

Race- Well my season is done.  I waited a little bit to put this in so I could think about it.  It was a pretty poor run, even though coach tried to convince me it was strong...I didn't feel strong.  I didn't believe and I think I know why now.  I try to convince myself before that I deserve it, but I really don't feel like I do.  I give up a lot on workouts just at the end, so why not give up on a race?  I try to pump myself up to do it, but I don't really believe I was going to qualify, because I didn't do enough before hand.  Yeah I work hard, but not hard enough to be the best.  That's what I want to be and that's all.  I know it is not healthy but that's truely all I want.  Not to be some middle pack nobody that will be forgotten before the race ends.  I want to be the best that is or ever was and I know that's unrealistic, but that's why I gave up soccer.  I need to invest more into running mentally, physically, and emotionally.  With soccer I gave it EVERYTHING and if you don't believe me you don't know what I did to be the best soccer player.  I woke up at 5 to practice and came home and practiced until 8-9.  I practiced around 6-10 hours a day.  The problem with running...I don't know what to do to get that kind of time investment.  I haven't given enough to do well enough and I am going to do that this summer.  I know I can be way better if I just can find what I did in training for soccer for running, because I saw MASSIVE improvements in soccer in a surprising amount of time, because of time investment.  I don't think running is so much time investment, but effort investment.  Because in the middle of races I thought well I could give effort, but I haven't trained my body to do that so I didn't.  Training is so important and I am glad track taught me that.  Positives to take out of this track season is even though it was full of disappointment and half-efforts, I really don't have to catch up in the summer like I did before.  I can come and work even harder than ever and finally get my break through, not because of this one AHA moment, but because every single day is my best effort, is my best, proves why I should be the one winning races later!  Because as Forever Strong says 'Practice doesn't make perfect, it makes permanent!' and I haven't made my running skill/effort permanent.

Well...it's been a long track season and I know really it's been my fault that it hasn't been what I expected, but hey...it was my first season.  That's no excuse, but it's hard to nail something right off the bat.  I really think i need to be more positive...I'm kinda hard on myself sometimes, because I expect more than ANYONE else expects from me...and that's saying a lot.  I just need to stop worrying so much and just go for it.  I am so ready for a break to really pull myself out of the trenches and get ready for war!  I am so excited for xc and am gonna work harder than anyone expects during the summer!  Well goodbye track and HELLO XC!!